For example, the prerecorded female voice says, “You can transfer to the 1 or 9 train.”

9 train?  Uhhh hello.

And it seems on the older announcements, the male voice was virtually nonexistent.  Wonder how long those will run before someone from the MTA notices.

With that comes the lowcut tops, short shorts, and micro skirts. This is truly one of New York’s greatest treasures, IMHO.

Today, there was a young lady sitting down in front of me.  I was holding on to the bar above where she was sitting.   She was wearing a sundress type thing with little straps.  I guess the dress was a little big on her or something because one strap kept falling off her shoulder.

I looked down, and oops…there’s your boob.  Nice to meet you.

Unfortunately, she was not terribly attractive.  Wasn’t quite to the point of being offensive, but it did give me pause.  So I turned away.

It’s like forcing yourself to not look at a car wreck.

Anyway, I got a seat at the next stop more or less across from her…a slight angle. I thought everything would be safe now because I was now at her eye level instead of looking down over her.  How wrong I was.

She was reading people magazine or something and was totally focused.  Whoops, there goes that strap again.   Only this time, it really went.  There’s no way that people sitting next to me couldn’t see her entire boob hanging out.

It was easily the entire length of one stop to another before she picked up the strap.  But she did it totally casual without even taking her eyes off the magazine.  I don’t think she “felt the breeze” at all.

I kept waiting for another woman on the train to say something to her.  There’s no way in hell a guy is going to say anything.  For one, it is against our DNA to do so, and secondly that is a line we never cross.

I just assumed it was part of the “girl code” to tell each other when your boob is hanging out, regardless of being strangers.  Right?

This morning’s snow really pisses me off.  I was totally getting into the thought of it becoming spring.  Even on Friday, it was really nice.  You barely needed a jacket.  Then, wham!  All this snow.

It’s total bull.

So it should make this morning’s commute a gem.  Actually, what will really be interesting is when it all starts to melt and flood the tracks.  That will be really pretty.

In the immediate sense, all we have to deal with is falling down the stairs as you enter the subway.  No biggie.

Unfortunately, the subway stairs have these metal plates on them that have diamond patters cut into them.  They also have a somewhat abrasive texture to them.

In wet conditions, they work pretty well.  It adds a little traction to what are otherwise tile (freaking stupid) stairs.  However, when it snows, the metal plates tend to cling to the snow.  Under foot traffic, snow gets tracked onto the stairs and then gets packed into the textured plates.  It builds up over time and then gets really slick. 

Since the plate itself is metal, it gets really cold really quick so it tends to hold the packed snow very well.  Makes for a joyous time getting in and out of the subway.

We’d love to hear more about YOUR adventures this morning.  Hit up the comments.

The incident occurred around 116th Street & Broadway on the Uptown 1 line.  The thing we find odd is the report that the person was dead on arrival between 116th and 125th.  That makes it sound like the person may have been in the tunnel when they were hit.  That’s just an assumption.

Typically, people that jump or fall off the platform die right there.  There’s no report of the bodies being found “between” stops.

However, I suppose it is possible that he person was hit and dragged as the train pulled out of the station.

The incident tied up trains for hours right in the heart of rush hour.  Beyond that, not too many details are available.  That makes me think that it was probably a homeless person living in the tunnels that got hit.

Sometimes the local train waits for two express trains to come by.  It’s getting really annoying.

It’s definitely not train traffic.  How do I know?  Because I had to wait 2o minutes for the train to come in the first place.  I know there isn’t another train ahead of us for at least 8 stops.

“We are being held in the station by the train’s dispatcher.  Please be patient.”

Once in a while, I can be patient.  Every trip is getting a bit much.

Also, isn’t “dispatcher” a bit much for this person’s title.  They aren’t dispatching trains anywhere.  The extent of their dispatching includes:  1) Stop.  2) Go.  That’s it.

The person on the other end of the police and fire radios are dispatchers.  They’re actually doing work.  Not sure that a “train dispatcher” does besides keep the trains from running into each other.  Its not like they’re telling them to take a left or something.

I guess the only time they need to spring into action is when they have to divert trains around incidents or construction at which point they are just transferring tracks.  Anyway, I digress.

Lord knows the haters start bashing away in the comments every time I bring up the subject.

So before I get into the point of this post, let me say a few things for the record

1. No, I don’t hate fat people.  I just think that they need to recognize that they are fat and that other people shouldn’t have to be impacted by someone else’s girth.
2. I’m not insensitive.  I just tell it the way it is.  Sugar coating is for babies.
3. I know…just because your fat doesn’t mean you a bad person.  I get it, and I agree.  So just relax.

I know some of you won’t be able to help yourselves.  You’ll need to rail on me in the comments.  Have at it.  You know I never censor the comments.

To the point now…

On my way home today, there was a very, very large young woman that was getting miffed by me bumping into her back.

Well, she was standing facing one row of seats.  My back was to her facing the opposite row of seats.  So we were standing back to back.

I of course was standing on my half (if you will) of the aisle.  On the other hand, she was occupying all of her side, part of the lap area of the poor soul sitting in front of her, as well as a third of my side.

To top it all off, she was wearing one of those Nike sling backpacks.  It looked like a parachute pack on the back of a hippo…which is fine.  It’s no big deal as long as it’s not being shoved into my back.

Even that I can deal with on a packed train.  What drives me  absolutely insane is when she starts to cop an attitude because “she’s getting pushed.”

I’m sorry, you’re so massive that people literally cannot get around you to get off the train, but you’ve got the balls to be pissed when they try to push past you.

If you’re fat, fine.  Be fat, but just own it.  Hey, you’re in the way so don’t get mad when people need to push by you.  Just get over it.

When the train takes a turn, and I bump into your back which has oozed over to my side, don’t get annoyed.  Trust me, the last thing I want to do is touch you.  So if I do, and it isn’t comfortable for you, you’re just going to need to deal with it.  It definitely isn’t comfortable for me.

We had company in town this weekend, and went downtown to the Seaport, etc.  We were going to take the 2,3 down, but that got all messed up because uptown, the trains stopped running for n reason.

So we transferred to the A.  Got to West 4th and it switched over to the 6th Avenue line with no warning.  Had to backtrack on that one.

I tried to ask a transit worker what my alternatives were.  I walked away before I said some choice words about the worker’s lack of mastery of the English language.

Eventually, we did make it over to the World Trade Center instead.  Then we just walked from there.

Now I know why I don’t go downtown on the weekend.

Or maybe on the platforms.  You could install bars on the platforms.  Just get rid of some of the magazine stands and convert them to beer stands.  I think it would be awesome.

I for one would buy one every day, especially in the summer.

Then maybe you add some coffee stands (nice, clean coffee stands).  That would be killer in the morning.

I guess in general, I’m looking for concessions on my ride.

Welcome to Monday boys and girls.  Get back to work!

It’s going to be cold later this week.  With the exception of a quick spike to 42 degrees on Tuesday, it is going to gradually get colder.  Friday, we could be looking at a high of only 13.

I for one say GOOD!  I’d like to go at least one winter this week where I don’t regret my choice of outerwear.  The temperature lately jumps and falls more sporadically than the stock market.  It makes planning your clothes for the day difficult.

You’ve got to factor in that the subway platform and train is going to be warmer than the plain outside air, right?  So you try to do your best.

You don’t want to have a heavy coat on only to get down to the platform and need to peel all that off before you stroke out.

You go outside expecting it to be cold only to find out it’s not quite as cold as you thought.  Then you’re standing there sweating your behind off.  And you know, you never want to be that a-hole with the giant parka on, taking up all the extra space.  People can’t get by you because you’re trying to stash away your mittens without dropping your coffee.

So outside it will gradually get colder and so will the platform/trains.  Don’t forget your hat!

Photo Credit

Wow was I off my subway game today.

I swiped at the turnstile and walked right into the bar.  My Metrocard expired and I totally forgot.  So like an idiot, I had to squeeze back out and get one.

Then the Metrocard machine I went up to was not working for some reason.  It wouldn’t read any of my credit cards.  So I had to try another one.

When I finally got through, I got to the bottom of the stairs just as the train was leaving.

Once a train came, and I got on board, I was completely out of my normal position.  I kept getting caught in the flows of people getting off at each stop.  Normally I get into a spot where I can stand still all the way with minimal movement.  This time, it was in a different spot after each stop.  Annoying.

Then at my stop, I walked all the way to the end of the concourse only to find that my normal exit was closed off for construction.

It was an all around nightmare.  Glad its day one.

I especially enjoy the little opening letter inside the card.  Here’s a few highlights.

“We’ve worked diligently over the past 12 months to improve your riding experience.  We hope you’ve noticed…”

Ummmmm…not so much.

#4 – Sense of security in stations

#5 – Sense of security on trains

Notice the use of the term “sense.”  They specifically are not asking about actual security, just how you feel about it.  Not “do you think security is good,” but instead “do you feel like you are secure.”

I wish there were more room to write on the card.

#2 – Reasonable wait times for trains.

Yeah it’s been great so go ahead and cut service as soon as possible.

What if Metrocards were priced based on residency?

People living in the 5 boros would receive a significant discount on Metrocards while people from out of town would pay the higher rate.

Let’s assume that the price of all fares are going up.  With that in mind, let’s make the out of towner rate a premium and residence get a break.  Maybe the price of a monthly unlimited card goes up to just $90 for residence.

You could sell them like TransitCheks.  Residents would simply receive their cards via mail or from their employers.  Or maybe it is just one card that automatically gets renewed month to month.  That way you would be able to verify who is a resident.

You could attach it to drivers liscences or ID cards even!

Just an idea.

It is kind of ironic that an massive system of underground tunnels build on an island at the mouth of a major river completely melts down when the water gets even the slightest bit high.  Poor planning?  I’m just saying.

Also, the manager of my home subway stop clearly cannot wait to start salting the stairs.  Either that or he has more bags of salt than he can store.  Everyday for the last week, there’s been obscene amounts of salt on the stairs.  It actually has made the stairs more treacherous because you feel like you’re walking down gravel planks.

It’s been fairly warm and dry so the salt just sits there.

A little sprinkle here and there would probably be a good idea when it gets below freezing at night, but it has been so warm lately.

Of course, we’ll get a foot of snow in January, and we’ll need to bring our own shovels to get down to the train.

He came running down the platform as the doors were closing.  He stuck his foot out as the doors were closing but missed.  I’m assuming he was trying to get his foot in the door to keep them open because his mom was trailing behind.  He looked to be about 12 or 13 years old.  Tall and lanky.

So he came running up to the train (I was already on board facing the door).  He jumped with one foot out but it hit the outside of the door and slid down.  With that, he fell with one leg down in the gap right up to his hip.  The other leg and rest of his body were still on the platform.

A guy standing in the doorway also saw the whole thing and stuck his foot in the door when he saw the kid slip.  He fought the doors as he bent down to pull the kid back up.

The platform had a new plastic edge…the yellow kind.  He cut his hand a little bit on it as he fell.  Nothing major but that’s the only injury he complained of.

Almost by magic, two police officers were right there helping the kid get up too.  Eventually one put his foot in the door to to keep it open.

The kid ended up fine and got right on with us.  He joked about it with the guy that helped him get back up.

The kicker of it is the train door operator kept trying to close the doors!  Even with a kid’s leg in the gap, a passenger holding one door, and a cop holding the other, the dick running the doors kept trying to close them.  The second officer had his flashlight out trying to signal them to stop, but they never poked their head out the window like they are supposed to.

So if this ever happens to you, take note.  You’d better move it or lose it.

So a fat woman and a gay guy walk into a bar.  (Just kidding)

Instead, a skinny gay guy sits down next to a biiiiiiig hunk of woman on the subway.  She’s easily a seat-and-a-halfer.  Her thighs are just spilling over into the seat next to her.

She was all the way at the end of the row, so her other side was oozing out under the bar into the doorway.  I’m not even kidding when I say that people had to be careful walking through the door on that side.  One guy’s leg rubbed up against her and scared the crap out of him.  It startled him as he got off the train.

Anyway, big momma is reading the paper.  The New York Times I believe, surprisingly not the Food section.

So skinny gay guy is just minding his own business.  He’s a little squished in his seat, but doesn’t seem to mind.  He’s reading a book and listening to an iPod.

Then, big momma goes to turn the page.  She nearly smacks him in the face.  She’s so round, she can hardly get her hands around in front of her.  The bottom of the paper keeps getting hung up on her breasts as she tries to fold the page back.  So with each page turn, she’s flapping her flippers arms out and getting all in the gay guy’s business.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything the first two times she did it.  He just made a face and rolled his eyes.  People around us were smiling, trying not to laugh because she made a big deal about every turn of the page.

On the third turn, she bumped his book.  The pages of her newspaper were covering his book as she was turning the page.

Finally, he had enough. 

He turns to her and says, “Excuse me.”

She looks at him (hardly able to turn her head) and says, “Yes?”

“You keep hitting me every time you turn the page.”

“Well I’m sorry, what do you want me to do?  This is a crowded train.”

I lean forward a little because I know it is about to get nasty.

“Oh no.  You see, the problem is you’re behind is too big to sit and turn the pages without disturbing people.  So you should just take both seats.”

With that, he stands up and does a runway model walk down to the other side of the train car amid a small roar of laughter.

(The photo above is not of the actual person described here.  It’s just here for illustration purposes.)

It’s a sort of musty, sour, grandma’s basement sort of a smell.  I’m not the only on that notices it, right?

Yeah, I know, there’s an infinite amount of odd smells in the subway at any given time.  But this one is distinct.  It seems to transcend trains, lines, and stations.

Maybe it is cold activated.  Maybe it has something to do with people wearing coats and hats.  Who the hell knows, but it is definitely there.

I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it is one of those things that’s going to drive me nuts every time I smell it.  Sometimes it is really, really strong too.

Damn you mystery smell.  Damn you.

Kill me now.

The only saving grace is the free WiFi available in the jury room. Otherwise, I would be contemplating homicide the entire day just to make things interesting.

An uneventful ride down town to the City Hall area.  It was just after 8am when I got down here, and it seemed like the city was still asleep.  Not many people out at all.  Even the courthouse security screening went fast.  No line!

Any advice on things to say to get dismissed from service, without getting charged with contempt of court would be greatly appreciated.

So I got a new work bag to carry my laptop and whatnot.  My other one started to rip where the shoulder strap attached to the bag itself.  Loved that bag, but after 4 years, it had served its useful life.

I bought a new one that arrived on Friday.  It’s really nice and I love it.  For what I paid, I better love it.

It’s professional gear.  Really high quality and durable because I definitely beat the crap out of my work bags.  So I don’t mind making a hefty investment in one that will last.

Anyway, it is a bit more ridged than my last one.  It has more structure, so it doesn’t squish what’s inside.

Just for reference (and you’ll see why in a moment) it is a single shoulder carry case that hangs down next to your hip.  You see hundreds of similar bags every day of your life.

So I go to swipe through the turnstile as usual.  Unfortunately, I got stuck.  Yeah I know, stuck.

My new bag is about an inch too wide to fit through the turnstile perpendicularly.  So I got half way through and got jammed.  I had to take the shoulder strap off, turn around, and pop my bag out.

It was suspended in mid air because it was wedged between the left and right side of the turnstile.  Oops.  Wide load coming through.

So now I have to consciously remember to turn it parallel each time I go though.  It’s gonna take a while to get used to.  I’m sure I will look like an idiot a few more times before I really remember.

Nothing is better than flawless subway timing.  You walk into the station, and just as you swipe through the turnstile, the train arrives.

You hop right on, and hell, there might even be an open seat.  You fly through all the stops to the point where you make a connection.  What do you know, right across the platform is your connecting train already waiting.

You get to your final stop so early, you can take your time getting to work.  Maybe you even have time for a more complicated order at Starbucks.  Heck, you’ve got all this extra time to kill now.

How sweet it is.

Honestly, I have no idea how the AC works on the trains.  Don’t know if there is a thermostat or what, but I feel like the AC was cut.  Seems to happen every year.

There was a bit of a cold snap a week ago, so there wasn’t much need for too much AC.  So I think it was cut off on many trains.  Then late last week, it warmed up again, but the AC wasn’t turned back on.

It really gets oppressively hot when theirs no air on the trains.  The heat is one thing, but then it feels like the oxygen in the air is getting thing.  Kind of a panic situation if you are at all claustrophobic.

What about NYC?

If not, why?

The shuttle (S) from Times Square to Grand Central has every single car wrapped from top to bottom, inside and out with a giant vinyl ad for History’s “Cities of the Underground.”

The Times reports that the vinyl costs $75,000 per car.  I don’t know if that’s just the cost of having the ad made or if that includes it running on the trains for a month.

That sounds like a lot, but in the grand scheme of advertising, that’s pretty cheap.  The whole train is probably going to run them about $370,000 for the month.  A single full page ad in the New York Times runs $80,000 to $150,000.  So this will probably be seen by just as many people and will gain press attention.

The Times has a photo, but I didn’t want to steal it.  If anyone has a picture of it, we’d love to post it.  Send it to submit [at] subwayblogger.com.

For whatever reason, I looked more closely at it today.

It is a sign with flowers.  Chamomile to be exact. The product claims to help you sleep better and wake up more energized.  (Can you say fish oil?)

Turns out, it is a aromatherapy “pillow mist.”  I’m not making this shit up.

It is a spray that you are supposed to spritz on your pillow at night.  The magical scents are supposed to make you sleep better.  Unless it’s chloroform, I’m not buying it.

That one gets chalked up with Dr. Zizmore on the Bullshit Subway Ad Wall of Shame.

Possibly one of the worst jobs of all time.  Can you imagine working in a subway platform newsstand stand?  Having to deal with the degenerates of the city all day long?

The heat in the summer alone would be enough for me to throw myself on the tracks.

My biggest concern would be my health.  I’m sorry, but spending 8 or 12 hours a day on the subway platform cannot be healthy.

There’s so many smells and fumes, not to mention the lead paint and asbestos.

Someone should do a health study of workers that spend 8 hours a day down there.  It can’t be pretty.

Photo Credit

My train was stopped midtunnel because of train traffic, and one of those single, white bulbs was just outside the window.  They even replaced the blue marker bulbs (that indicate power cutoff points).

Compact fluorescent bulbs replaced conventional incandescent light in tunnels because the compact bulb design fit the same sockets. Compact bulbs offer the same benefits as longer fluorescent light tubes and have increased tunnel lighting 500 percent with just a modest power increase of 11 percent. What’s more, since each compact fluorescent bulb consumes four-to-six times less energy than an incandescent bulb, the compact bulb yields 1,300 fewer pounds of carbon dioxide emissions over its lifetime of 7,500 to 10,000 hours. Overall, station and tunnel lighting upgrades have made stations and tunnels brighter, safer, more secure, and more comfortable, and save NYC Transit $4.8 million a year.

Wow…$4.8 million is pretty insane considering all they did was replace lightbulbs.  Think of the efficiencies that could be found elsewhere.

And when you think about it, the old bulbs lasted 750 hours before they burned out (31 days).  The new bulbs last up to 10,000 hours.  That’s over a year!  

So there’s a big savings just in the cost of paying a person to go around and replace the tunnel bulbs.

The new ones fit right into the regular screw in sockets. The tunnels are noticeably brighter too.

Ok, so yeah I know I just wrote an entire post about lightbulbs.  It was a slow day. But hey…you just read it.