The only blog written from the NYC Subway system

Whoa. This is weird. Remind me never to catch the train at Lincoln Center again. Waaaay to many artsy kids around.

Frankly, they frighten me. Especially in groups. These kids are supposed to be loaners, right? So what’s with the little goth gangs here.

I figured since school isn’t in full swing yet over here that I would be safe. Oh no my friends. There must have been some sort of orientation or special program going on. Otherwise, I have no explanation for this occurrence.

I really thought that this was some sort of joke. Dozens of those kids that wear all black, and carve shit in their skin. Ohh and lots of chrome stuff: chains, studs, nipple rings…the usual.

Walking into the middle of the pack really can make you fear for your life. I sort of froze for a moment, and I think they could smell my preppy-kid fear.

Lesson learned!

WOW…ok…so this is a first for me. Did you ever stand in a subway car with a woman for 20+ minutes only to find out she was a man?

ON THE NEXT JERRY SPRINGER

Kidding. But seriously, that is what I am facing right now. We’ve all been on the trains with the drag queens and what not. But this is no queen. Hardhat and all, I am so not even kidding. The only thing that tipped me off was when he/she opened her mouth. Definate chick. Upon closer inspection, I noticed some more female-like qualities. To be honest, it makes me vomit a little in my mouth to think too much about, so I am going to stop here. Not because there is anything wrong with dresing like a dude. But more so because of the tanktop with what I assumed were braless man-boobies. Are we painting a picture yet?Now listen, SUBWAYblogger is by no means homophobic or anti-alternative-lifestyle. It just catches SUBWAYblogger off gaurd a little bit…epecially this early in the morning. We love everyone.Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Have you ever played, “find the hot guy/girl” on the subway?  You know what I mean. Only about 5% of the people in any given subway car are actually attractive. So the game is to find the hottest people on your car. You know…in case we get stuck down here during a disaster and need to repopulate New York City.

Anyway, following the 5% rule, I would assume that I could find someone right now. But I can’t! I’ve literally walked the entire platform, and there is not a single attractive person to be found, yet there are hundreds of people standing here. How I this possible?!?  Did I jump down some ugly rabbit hole? 

My only conclusion: I must be today’s attractive person, and that my friends is beyond sad. What kind of messed up alignment of the planets allowed for me to represent the good looking part of the population?  Don’t get me wrong, I am no subway troll or anything. I am what could (at best) be described as unobjectionable. Not good looking. No horrific. Just plain. So how the hell did I end up with this kind of responsibility?  Someone in charge is gonna get canned for this one.Live from the subway, back to you in studio… 

How is it that you could get to the platform every day at the exact same time and have different crowds each time?  Allow me to ellaborate.

I get to my local platform everyday at the exact same time (like right now). Yet today for some reason, there are hundreds of extra people!  I always assumed that it was because the trains are not running on time. Turns out, that’s not the case at all. Today I asked the guy in the booth if the trains were running on time. He said they were and had no reasoning for the extra volume. Its not like my stop is a major junction either. No other lines or trains would be dumping passengers here.

So what’s the deal?  Where in the hell did all of you come from?  Know what…I don’t care. Just get out of my way.

OHHH aaaand another thing:

Ladies- get you damn baby strollers out of my way. What the hell are you thinking bringing that double wide, hospital bed sized thing down here during rush hour. Thanks to that, you are taking up room for 3 extra people!

The fact that kids and strollers are allowed on for free is bull. During peak times, there should be a “you’re taking up too much effing room tax.”. Seriously. Maybe then, a few more of us could get to work on time.

Didn’t get out much this weekend.  It was one of those where I wanted to do nothing more than sit around on my ass.  So, sorry no weekend reports!  We’ll make up for it this week coming up.

Holy crap, if you gotta take a leak once you are “in the system,” you are SOL. I had a Snapple too many at my desk today (it was that sorta day) and didn’t hit the head before leaving. Wow was that the wrong move of the century.

I am literally in pain right now as I type this into my Blackberry.

You can find the occasional bathroom at certain stops. But in most cases, stick a cork in it!

You would thing with everything needing to be so handicap accessible, childsafe, elderly friendly, and void of sharp edges that there would have to be bathrooms all over the place. Although I guess for many of us, the entire subway is a toilet.

Actually, I am sort of glad I didn’t find one yet. I am sure you immediately get herpes just by walking into a subway bathroom. [Note that I say this as tears begin to form…that’s how bad I need to go]

Gotta cut this short. I need to focus all my mental power on not peeing in the baby stroller in front of me.

Running pretty late this morning. Got all the way to the subway and realized I forgot my ID for work. I work in a building with pretty high security. Everywhere you walk, your ID needs to be passed over a sensor to open doors. So it I a real pain in the ass to move around the building when you forget it.

Now, doesn’t it seem like the train is always late when you’re running late? I seriously think they just like to f**k with you when they know you are running late.

Without fail, the train took for ever to get here, and as I speak we are being “held by the dispatcher” at the station. That’s because “the dispatcher” is back at MTA mission control saying, “Dude…dude… come here. Watch me mess with this guy.”. Aaaand they all get a little laugh.

All for now. Till this afternoon…

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

As I just walked into the subway I was struck by how much construction is “being done” on the platform. I put “being done” in quotes because I don’t really see any results.

I have been a rider for years now, and have to say that little seems to have been done. There’s lots of refurbishing going on, but is it really refurbished if it was just restored to a previous level of shitty-ness? A debate for the ages.

Instead of costly reconstruction, how about a little powerwashing every now and then? I say give the homeless guys a powesprayer twice a season and have them wash down the entire platform. Instant results. Then all you gotta do is give them a sandwich (or 6-pack…depending on the borough) and they are happy campers. We get to enjoy a refreshed platform.

Who’s with me?

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…