I created the Annoying Subway People lists a few months back. I published Part 1 and Part 2 in quick succession and got a great response from both. I was totally stoked and planned on doing many more. I kept track of all the annoying people the trains had to offer and really had a good thing going. But then I accidentally deleted the master list! Nuts.
All my ideas were gone. I desperately tried to remember who was on the list, but it was all for naught. To make matters worse, I found myself either growing more patient with my fellow commuters or being too busy sweating my balls off. I even tried to get frustrated with people on purpose, but everyone was on their best behavior! Nobody so much as looked at me the wrong way! That in itself was frustrating. But then came the wedding…
The planning had been going full force for many months. The stress/anxiety levels were at record levels. I didn’t sleep enough and I had a million things on my mind. Low and behold, my patience level dropped to rock bottom. I’ll be damned if the Annoying Subway People ideas didn’t started flowing again!
So with that long intro out of the way, I present you the long overdue
Annoying Subway People: Part 3 To refresh your memories, so far we’ve covered:1. Zig-Zaggers
3. Fingers in Ear People
4. People Who Don’t Bathe
6. Candy Selling Kids
7. Window Scratchers
8. Stoppers/Stair Stoppers
9. Earbud Guy
10. Stop and Go Conductors
11. No Speaka English-ites
14. The Leaning SleepersToday we start with Number…
15. Sickies: They’re already out in force now, but just you wait until cooler weather hits. I love boarding a train packed full of sniffling, sneezing, and coughing people. It’s even better when they’re sneezing and coughing directly on me. Screw carrying around Purell for my hands, I’m going to start carrying a can of Lysol to spray on people.
16. Bridge-Talkers: The N train takes anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes to cross the Manhattan Bridge. It’s the only part of my commute that has cell-phone service. Sure enough, every morning some jerk (or seven) pulls out his phone and squeezes in all-that important call. “Hey, what’s going on? Nothing? Me too. Just crossing the bridge…” and on and on and on. He doesn’t have anything to say, he’s just bored. Hey buddy, try reading a book or something. Nobody wants to hear how boring your life is.
17. Witches: Remember when we talked about Stair-Stoppers? Apparently there’s a extra special breed of stair-stoppers called Witches. You’ll see them as you try to exit the subway on a rainy day. They’ll make it all the way to the top of the stairs, then stop dead in their tracks and try to figure out how they’re going to survive when there’s a possibility of getting wet. You can actually see the panic in their eyes. Doesn’t matter if they have an umbrella. In fact, this might slow ’em down even more. Bonus points for little people that have ridiculously massive umbrellas.
18. Manicurists: Gotta love the people who chew their nails then spit out the remains inside the subway car. That’s just awesome. I’d say that their punishment should be eating all the finger-nails they spit on the subway floor, but that probably wouldn’t bother them.
19. Diners: Hey buddy, I know that bucket of fried chicken was just calling your name, but do you have to eat it in the subway? Maybe you didn’t notice, but some of the other people in the car weigh less then 400 pounds. We might not like the smell of fried chicken. We also might not like the sight of you stuffing your face. If you can’t wait until you get home to eat you meal, you might have a slight problem.
20. Mumblers: This is an MTA gripe. As an announcer, your primary job is to announce things. If you’re unable to do so without mumbling and stammering, QUIT! It’s hard enough to hear with the crackling speakers, the No Speaka English-ites next to me who won’t shut the hell up, and that Diner stuffing half a chicken in his mouth. If there’s something that’s been deemed important enough to announce, step up to the mike and give it your all!
21. Door Sentries: These guys must be in training to be bouncers. They think it’s their job to stand in front of the doors, stop after stop, and look pretty. Either that or they’re trying to look down the shirt of the girl who’s sitting next to them. Either way, it should be legal to kick these guys in the back of the knee if they refuse to move. If you’re near the door and you’re not getting off at the next stop, you really need to get the hell out of the way. (And don’t get offended if you are a Door Sentry and I call you an asshole as I push past. You are in fact an asshole and you deserve to be pushed!)
Finally for today, our last Annoying Subway Person (for this round) is Number…
22: Rush-Hour Bikers. Look, it’s admirable that you’re riding your bike as part of your commute, but if you try to jam that thing into a crowded train, it’s only logical that you’re not going to fit. Also, am I missing something? Why are you on the train when you have your own transportation? Is it really worth all the effort to drag the bike down and up the subway stairs to not ride an extra five miles?! Keep your bikes on the street.
Wow. 22 Annoying Subway People! Want to know the best part? There’s more on the way!