I’ve got some stuff to get off my chest, and that stuff is Annoying Subway People! Let’s go by categories:
1. Zig-Zaggers. These are the people who can’t walk a straight line tosave their life. They weave back and forth and eventually make it to where they’re going. Is it indecision? Is it lack of knowledge? Are they just completely unaware that there are hundreds of other people around them who might be in a hurry? In the world of Subway transfers this should be a death-penalty offense. If you don’t know where you’re going, move the hell out of the way. If you do know where you’re going, but it’s impossible for you to walk correctly, lay off the alcohol. If you’re not drunk, stay home. Apparently you’re too damn retarded to live and work with the rest of us. We don’t want you around. You know whom you should take with you? The…
2. Doddlers. Definition: People whom doddle around at a pace that most would consider a weak crawl. Again, if you’re completely lost, move aside and figure out where you’re going. Don’t do the half step, stop, half step and stop again. Basically, be aware of people around you. There are variations of this. If you’re handicapped I understand. It’s not your fault. I’ll gladly hang behind you while you give it your all. Your day isn’t easy and I can respect that you’re still working at it. But let me make this very clear: Being fat does not mean you’re handicapped. There’s probably a reason that you’re too damn big to move at a normal NYC pace (read: fast). Stop being lazy and pick up the pace! If you’re unable, then move and wait for the rest of us to pass. Seriously.
And if you are a Zig-Zagging Doddler, be prepared to get kicked in the back of the knee.
3. Fingers in Ear People. I get it, the trains can be loud. Your precious ears can’t take it. The Post told us that we’re all going to go deaf from the train noise. This doesn’t give you permission to slow down to a creep and stick your fingers in your ears. People doing this on the stairs drive me bonkers. If you really have to plug your ears, can you practice at home to do it while walking fast? Are you that uncoordinated?
Zig-Zagging Fingers in the Ears Doddlers? I hope you fall down the steps and poke out your ear-drums.
4. People Who Don’t Bathe. Honestly, do I need to explain how much fun it is to stand next to an old person who has his or her armpit in your face and broadcasts the reeking odor of someone who hasn’t seen a shower since the early 90’s? I’m speaking specifically of those who are clearly not homeless. I don’t rip on the homeless unless they’re obnoxious. I’m
talking about those who choose to smell.
People Who Don’t Bathe are almost always Doddlers. But they typically don’t move fast enough to qualify as Zig-Zaggers. Thank God, I don’t think I could handle the triple threat.
5. Door-Holders: There’s a special place in hell reserved for these people. I don’t know if there’s any other time in life where one A-hole can inconvenience hundreds of people. Consider it equal to using a fire truck to block an entire highway during rush hour. Unless there is an emergency, and there’d better damn well be a really big emergency, there is absolutely no reason that you can’t wait for the next train. And if you’re holding it for friends, well, I hate you. Seriously. If I owned a Taser you’d feel it in the small of your back. Don’t think anyone on that train would be a witness against me.
6. Candy Selling Kids. I can’t really hate them, but they do annoy me. “For my basketball team”? Please. First off, when the hell do you practice? I see you almost daily selling candy! “Stay off the streets…” Being under the streets isn’t much better. “The only candy I have left is…” It’s always M&M Peanut! Always! Add in some Starbursts and Sour Patch Watermelon and you’ve got their daily stash! But for as annoying as these kids are, the people who I truly, honest to God, hate with a passion are their parents. Who pimps out their F-ing kids? That is so wrong.
And that’s it! For now… There are still plenty of people who piss me off on a daily basis.
P.S. Where the heck do the Candy Selling Kids get all those M&M Peanuts?