Annoying Subway People (Part 2)

Editor’s note:  Todd is a guest blogger from Blog Name Removed. 

On Wednesday March 14th, I posted my list of Annoying Subway people. I got a lot of fun responses to the list, so I planned on doing a follow-up. But then I thought about it. I thought, “Am I mocking other people because I don’t like myself?” and “Maybe I’m being way too hard on other people.” and “Maybe I should try to be more patient.” and finally “Am I too angry?” I decided not to post any more Annoying Subway People articles.

But then I saw this quote:

“Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people’s characters.” (Margaret Halsey)

I thought to myself, “Hell, Margaret’s right! I’m well behaved and these people are like animals! I should write about it again!”

And so here we are. I’ve come up with a few more on my own, but I’ve also seen quite a few articles on this from other websites. Apparently other people think just like I do! Sit back and relax while I bring you:

Annoying Subway People (Part 2):

In case you forgot, here’s numbers one through six:

1. Zig-Zaggers.
2. Doddlers
3. Fingers in Ear People.
4. People Who Don’t Bathe
5. Door-Holders
6. Candy Selling Kids

Number 7: Window Scratchers: Whoever it is that scratches up the subway windows with graffiti. That must take a long while to do, so obviously this person has way too much time on their hands. I’ve said it before: Vandalism should be cause for immediate Tasering. Not just once, but 10 minutes of shock after shock from a police Taser. Maybe that’ll cut down on the ruined windows.

8: Stoppers/Stair Stoppers: The inbred breeding of half-minded Doddlers and Zig-Zaggers will lead to the dreaded Stopper. This person may look like he’s going to walk straight and true, but then out of nowhere, BAM! He stops and causes a chain reaction of chaos behind him. Even worse are the Stair Stoppers! This may sound trivial, but it is proven to lead to back-ups. (It’s called the shock-wave effect.) Please don’t be a stopper. Keep moving and veer off to the side if you need to pause a moment. The rest of us have places to be. We’re not impatient, we’re just really really motivated.

9: Earbud Guy: Ah yes. This guy just loves his music. He loves it so much that he’s going to crank up his mp3 player higher then his earbuds can handle. Now the whole train gets to love his music. It’s especially nice when Earbud Guy shares his music at 7am. I love Reggaeton at 7am. It warms my heart. (Almost as much as the thought of Earbud guy going deaf in a couple years.)

10: Stop and Go Conductors: Speed up, slow down, speed up, slow down, speed up, and… vomit. Nothing makes my morning commute more pleasant that an overpaid ass playing at the controls of the subway train. Seriously, it’s not that hard to do. Ready for it? Here it is: Go until you need to stop. There aren’t surprises on the track and if there are, well, speed up and run them over. Just don’t slow down until we get to the station. And when we do, slide in gently, don’t jerk it in awkwardly like you did with your prom date.

11: No Speaka English-ites: Just a quick Xenophobic pet peeve. If you’re going to have a full conversation in an America, speak English. If you suck at English, try anyway. It’s good practice. I’ll make an exception for tourists, but if you live here, speak the damn language when you’re out in public.

12: Mimes: Mimes should be barely tolerated, regardless of the circumstance, if only because they remind me of French people (of whom I am also not a fan). When they are ‘performing’ in a subway station? They should be sprayed with a fire hose. The big painful, knock-you-on-your-ass kind. I bet they’d scream…

13: Shorties: Noun. Definition: Short people who hang onto me and/or my clothing instead of the designated handles of The Subway. See also: China Town Residents. (Why? Why do they do this? You try to shake them off and they don’t let go!)

and the last one (for today),

14: The Leaning Sleepers: Subways are gross because there are gross people in them. When those gross people are sitting next to you fall asleep, then decide to lean onto you, you become gross. Unless you’re going to buy me dinner and tease me with suggestive eye glances over candlelight, don’t you dare lean on me! I hate being touched, and being touched by random (usually People Who Don’t Bathe) people on The Subway is the absolute worst. Imagine the lice and other infestations that are probably hopping onto your jacket. Sick dude.

That’s it for now. Don’t worry, there’s more to come! I’ve been keeping a list, and we’re nowhere near the end…

11 thoughts on “Annoying Subway People (Part 2)

  1. How about people who clip their finger nails on the subway trains? Who thought that doing that basic bit of private grooming was acceptable in public? One time a guy sat across from me clipping his nails, and letting them fall on his lap. When he was done, he stood up and flicked all the clippings across in my direction. Disgusting. Whenever I hear that horrible clipping sound, I want to go on the attack.

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  2. I agree with most of your list. I won’t agree about the conductors though besides the fact they don’t drive the trains, the train operators do. I want a fast ride as much as anyone else but a lot of bs timers have been put in throughout the system.

    Most t.o.’s are getting written up on any little thing. They won’t chance it by going faster than they are supposed too under certain circumstances. If they are new T.O.’s you can definitely forget any chance of pushing the envelope.

    In all honesty a lot of the timers are what kills any potential speed. Just think of some stretches of service (mostly express) that should be fast but for some reason it isn’t. Most likely timers are to blame. There is a big reason why the CPW run between 59th St. & 125th St. is not what it used to be.

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  3. I was sitting in the subway one time and this guy was eating some disgusting stall bread. That’s fine. eating in the subway is a little gross but managable esp. if you’re in a rush. But the problem was that he sneezed and blew his saliva infested bread all over me and my friend. With no apology. Subway riders. they’re the worst.

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  4. I’m “fond” of the cell phone screamers (I take the 7 so I’m above ground). One girl kept saying, “I am so going to hang up.” I felt like screaming, “Then just hang up already!” And another favorite of mine are the group of about 5 girls who gossip but the only words they use are “like”, “get out” and “Ohmygawd”.
    Grrr…!

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  5. One guy I saw was holding the railing in front of an old woman and he was grinding his crotch in her face and really feeling the music. She felt very uncomfortable sitting there.

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  6. I hate the pretentious “Pinkie Princess” types. They hold-on to the bar, but just barely. You see them clinching with the index and thumb only – Pinkie FULLY EXTENDED like a friggin’ Aristocrat (picture someone drinking a small cup of tea in England)!? It’s ridiculous. I think to myself “Oh! So you’re too good to get some germs on your precious fingers” – “As if they’re trying to preserve the “Pinkie” just in the off-chance that the rest of the hand was exposed to some flesh eating bacterium.” I’m an unfortunate 7 Train victim… MTA – Go To Hell.

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