So a fat woman and a gay guy walk into a bar. (Just kidding)
Instead, a skinny gay guy sits down next to a biiiiiiig hunk of woman on the subway. She’s easily a seat-and-a-halfer. Her thighs are just spilling over into the seat next to her.
She was all the way at the end of the row, so her other side was oozing out under the bar into the doorway. I’m not even kidding when I say that people had to be careful walking through the door on that side. One guy’s leg rubbed up against her and scared the crap out of him. It startled him as he got off the train.
Anyway, big momma is reading the paper. The New York Times I believe, surprisingly not the Food section.
So skinny gay guy is just minding his own business. He’s a little squished in his seat, but doesn’t seem to mind. He’s reading a book and listening to an iPod.
Then, big momma goes to turn the page. She nearly smacks him in the face. She’s so round, she can hardly get her hands around in front of her. The bottom of the paper keeps getting hung up on her breasts as she tries to fold the page back. So with each page turn, she’s flapping her flippers arms out and getting all in the gay guy’s business.
To his credit, he didn’t say anything the first two times she did it. He just made a face and rolled his eyes. People around us were smiling, trying not to laugh because she made a big deal about every turn of the page.
On the third turn, she bumped his book. The pages of her newspaper were covering his book as she was turning the page.
Finally, he had enough.
He turns to her and says, “Excuse me.”
She looks at him (hardly able to turn her head) and says, “Yes?”
“You keep hitting me every time you turn the page.”
“Well I’m sorry, what do you want me to do? This is a crowded train.”
I lean forward a little because I know it is about to get nasty.
“Oh no. You see, the problem is you’re behind is too big to sit and turn the pages without disturbing people. So you should just take both seats.”
With that, he stands up and does a runway model walk down to the other side of the train car amid a small roar of laughter.
(The photo above is not of the actual person described here. It’s just here for illustration purposes.)