Ok, SUBWAYblogger admits that we almost took a digger coming down the subway stairs this morning.
I guess the station agent didn’t get around to salting the steps because they were coated end to end in ice. Not just a little slippery spot, the whole thing.
SUBWAYblogger wasn’t the only one either. A guy behind almost fell too.
The thought of falling on the floor of a subway station makes SUBWAYblogger vomit a little. Gross!
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
Is it kosher to read Playboy on the subway?
The guy standing across from me thinks so. Sort of an odd publication to read in public, no?
He must be “reading it for the articles” while he’s on the train.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
So there’s a sign on the trains that says having an illegal handgun carries a minimum penalty of three and a half years in prison.
Shouldn’t that sign be outside the subway?
At this point, if you’re packin’ heat on the train and then read the sign, isn’t it a little too late?
Ok so let’s say you forgot your 9mm at home on your dresser today,and you read the sign. The next day are you really going to stop walking around locked and loaded? Because of a subway sign?
At this point, there’s not much difference between an MTA sign and the Snapple Fact under the cap of your iced tea. You’re basically getting the same little tidbits of trivia.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
So this girl just ran to get on the train as the doors were closing. She made it in, but her bag got stuck in the doors. Happens every day, right? Well never like this.
She had (has) a laptop computer in the bag. The bag itself is nothing more that a canvas type tote bag. Well, let’s just say the laptop took the brunt of it.
The bag got caught horizontally in the doors. (I feel the need for an illustration). Picture the left and right sides of the machine holding the doors open about a foot wide. That’s exactly what happened…for about a second.
All of a sudden, the laptop snapped in two. It folded in half like a piece of paper and fell to the floor in pieces. It must have been a combination of her pulling on the bag and the pressure of the doors.
There it was in two distinct pieces. On part had a little bit of the base, and three-quarters of the screen. The other half had the rest of the base and a little screen.
I would not have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
So I just saw a child fall in the gap between the train and the platform. The nanny and a stranger caught the kid before she slipped down, but it was scary still.
The little girl is about 3 or 4 years old. She fell up to her waist. The nanny had one arm already, and some other lady grabbed her other arm.
Had the nanny lost her grip, the kid would have easily fell straight through.
Folks, first of all, children and rush hour don’t mix. Keep the kids at home or in school where they belong.
If you are going to be a moron, hold your child while entering and exiting the train. Leave the dumpster-sized stroller at home. Don’t let the kid walk onto the train by themselves as this child did. You are the adult, the kid works for you.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
Available soon from City Hall: an official New York condom in a jazzy wrapper, perhaps one printed with a colorful subway map or some other city theme.
That’s right, the city rubber is almost here. We blogged about it a few weeks back, and honestly forgot all about it. Heck, who thought it would actually happen. As noted above, some wrapper themes might include subway stuff.
Here’s our idea:
Wrappers: Mark them with the subway line icons. You know, the big red circle with a 1, 2, or 3 on them for the red line. Have one version for all the lines, that way everyone in town has a connection.
The condom: Then, make the actual condom look like a train!!! Think about it…go ahead. Close your eyes. Get it? When the condom gets rolled out, it will look like a meat train. How awesome would that be? This train is headed “downtown.”
They’d sell out of these bad boys in a week.
If someone sees my left ear on the platform, please mail it back to me. It’s so cold that my ear fell off and I have no idea where it is.
In the words of Lewis Black, “FUCK it’s cold!”
The subway entrance is like a oasis in a frozen tundra. You actually find yourself counting steps until you reach the stair just so you can get out of the windchill.
Then underground, you seach for the waiting areas as far from the entrance as possible just to avoid the cold breeze.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
…ze.
Ok it didn’t freeze, but it came close. The LCD screen started to get sluggish. It looks like the icons and text are moving in slow motion.
The freezing cold unfortunately drives all the bums underground. They all sneak there way onto the platforms because of course there aren’t enough shelters. Even if there were enough shelters, many of the homeless wouldn’t go. All they have left is their pride, so they think it is better to freeze to death.
That’s the logic that got them on the streets in the first place!
Anyway, us straphangers are then forced to deal with them.
How’s this for a pleasant start to your morning: This morning I’m walking to the train and there’s a homeless guy laid over on his side asleep on the ground. Nothing new. However, his pants are down around his knees. So there’s his completely bare, white ass pointed in the direction of oncoming riders.
I almost lost my breakfast.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…
Nerve did a bizarre article that profiles subway performers and sex advice. Sure, you may be thinking “of course subway performers are sex experts.” However, SUBWAYblogger did not think the same thing.
Anyway, here’s a sample of the kind of thing that gets asked in the article.
How would you handle a menstrual explosion during sex with a casual partner?
Pretend it happens every day. I would be like, “Yeah, here it is again. Thank God!”
Yeaaaahh…about that…
There was an alleged suicide at 86th ST on the 6 uptown line. The train is stopped halfway into the station. Details are limited at this time, but expect delays on that line.
SUBWAYblogger 