Month: August 2006

Holy cow! Am I the hot one?

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Have you ever played, “find the hot guy/girl” on the subway?  You know what I mean. Only about 5% of the people in any given subway car are actually attractive. So the game is to find the hottest people on your car. You know…in case we get stuck down here during a disaster and need to repopulate New York City.

Anyway, following the 5% rule, I would assume that I could find someone right now. But I can’t! I’ve literally walked the entire platform, and there is not a single attractive person to be found, yet there are hundreds of people standing here. How I this possible?!?  Did I jump down some ugly rabbit hole? 

My only conclusion: I must be today’s attractive person, and that my friends is beyond sad. What kind of messed up alignment of the planets allowed for me to represent the good looking part of the population?  Don’t get me wrong, I am no subway troll or anything. I am what could (at best) be described as unobjectionable. Not good looking. No horrific. Just plain. So how the hell did I end up with this kind of responsibility?  Someone in charge is gonna get canned for this one.Live from the subway, back to you in studio… 

Where did you come from?

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How is it that you could get to the platform every day at the exact same time and have different crowds each time?  Allow me to ellaborate.

I get to my local platform everyday at the exact same time (like right now). Yet today for some reason, there are hundreds of extra people!  I always assumed that it was because the trains are not running on time. Turns out, that’s not the case at all. Today I asked the guy in the booth if the trains were running on time. He said they were and had no reasoning for the extra volume. Its not like my stop is a major junction either. No other lines or trains would be dumping passengers here.

So what’s the deal?  Where in the hell did all of you come from?  Know what…I don’t care. Just get out of my way.

OHHH aaaand another thing:

Ladies- get you damn baby strollers out of my way. What the hell are you thinking bringing that double wide, hospital bed sized thing down here during rush hour. Thanks to that, you are taking up room for 3 extra people!

The fact that kids and strollers are allowed on for free is bull. During peak times, there should be a “you’re taking up too much effing room tax.”. Seriously. Maybe then, a few more of us could get to work on time.

Note to self: Don’t drink 3 Snapples before leaving work and then get on subway

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Holy crap, if you gotta take a leak once you are “in the system,” you are SOL. I had a Snapple too many at my desk today (it was that sorta day) and didn’t hit the head before leaving. Wow was that the wrong move of the century.

I am literally in pain right now as I type this into my Blackberry.

You can find the occasional bathroom at certain stops. But in most cases, stick a cork in it!

You would thing with everything needing to be so handicap accessible, childsafe, elderly friendly, and void of sharp edges that there would have to be bathrooms all over the place. Although I guess for many of us, the entire subway is a toilet.

Actually, I am sort of glad I didn’t find one yet. I am sure you immediately get herpes just by walking into a subway bathroom. [Note that I say this as tears begin to form…that’s how bad I need to go]

Gotta cut this short. I need to focus all my mental power on not peeing in the baby stroller in front of me.

Running late!

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Running pretty late this morning. Got all the way to the subway and realized I forgot my ID for work. I work in a building with pretty high security. Everywhere you walk, your ID needs to be passed over a sensor to open doors. So it I a real pain in the ass to move around the building when you forget it.

Now, doesn’t it seem like the train is always late when you’re running late? I seriously think they just like to f**k with you when they know you are running late.

Without fail, the train took for ever to get here, and as I speak we are being “held by the dispatcher” at the station. That’s because “the dispatcher” is back at MTA mission control saying, “Dude…dude… come here. Watch me mess with this guy.”. Aaaand they all get a little laugh.

All for now. Till this afternoon…

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Work being done, but is anything being accomplished?

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As I just walked into the subway I was struck by how much construction is “being done” on the platform. I put “being done” in quotes because I don’t really see any results.

I have been a rider for years now, and have to say that little seems to have been done. There’s lots of refurbishing going on, but is it really refurbished if it was just restored to a previous level of shitty-ness? A debate for the ages.

Instead of costly reconstruction, how about a little powerwashing every now and then? I say give the homeless guys a powesprayer twice a season and have them wash down the entire platform. Instant results. Then all you gotta do is give them a sandwich (or 6-pack…depending on the borough) and they are happy campers. We get to enjoy a refreshed platform.

Who’s with me?

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Freddy “Sez”

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Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on the subway with a Yankee legend, Freddy Sez. He’s the guy at Yankee Stadium with the lucky frying pan and spoon. He’s there combing the stands every game.

After I published my post last night I transfered trains, and there he was! Fry pan and all.

Anyway, standing on my train on the way to work right now. Nothing interesting to report other than the guy next to me blasting Christian rock out of his iPod. :-/

Here’s my stop…

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Yankees Game Madness

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Yankees 2  Baltimore 3 A fairly good game even though the Yanks were losing the entire game.Anyway, to the subway…

What I notice immediately is the number of “subway authorities.”. By that I mean guys in Yankees jerseys that attend aproximately two games a year thus earning them the title “lord of the subway directions.”

Their kingdom consists of the third of the train car that they happen to be standing in. In other words, from the nearest door to the next.

Little do the rest of us know that we “dont know what we are talking about.”

When any loyal train car subject suggests an alternate tranfer strategy, subway lord responds with a snappy, “Well, if you want to do it that way…” or “if you like taking the LONG way.”

The irony is that they are complete idiots. I actually just heard this come of of his lordship’s mouth:

“Well its easy. All you gotta do is take the B train down to 59th Street and jump on the uptown 9 train.”

Uhhh dude…there is no such thing as the 9 train anymore. And for that matter you should just get off at the 125th Street station and take the C downtown.  Buuut if you want to take the loooong way, go ahead. Jackass.

Till the morning…

PS – Pink Yankees gear does not make you a fan. It makes you a trophy wife to drag to the game. Just a tip from me to you.

Two-for-One Day: Yankees Game

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Today all my loyal SUBWAYblogger readers get a bonus post! [Waiting for the applause to stop]

I’m headed up to the Bronx to catch the Yanks vs Baltimore tonight. I am sure there will be plenty to discuss about those trips. So stay tuned for that. Unforunately, I will be going up there with a buddy so I won’t be able to “live blog” the trip. 😦 I don’t want to reveal my secret identity.

Anyway, I did just see a highschool aged black girl threaten to “slap a white bitch” because the white girl had the nerve to say excuse me she passed her on the stairs.

On and on she ranted about how lucky she was that she didn’t “beat her ass.”. I got behind the punk as she was ranting at the turnstile. Couldn’t help but say out loud, “oooh just shuuut up! No one thinks your a bad ass.”. I got an evil look in return, but she thought better of mouthing off directly at me.

Stay tuned for the post-Yanks wrap up!

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Let ’em off people

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Gothamist had an interesting story yesterday.  Every now and then, they do an “Ask Goth” feature.  This one was about the subway.

“Here is what happened yesterday, which is pretty typical: I was trying to change to the express train from the local, and as we pulled into the station I saw my train across the platform. I was not the only one. There were a whole bunch of us at the door eagerly waiting to leave the train and jump on the express across the tracks. I just happened to be in front, at the door. So anyway, by the time the doors opened, there was a fair-sized guy standing right in the middle in front of the door, with two other people standing at the sides but just blocking enough of the door so that no one could get out.

So I said “excuse me,” and he did nothing. Not a move by anyone. So, having no choice really (I certainly couldn’t back up, there being all those people behind me, and besides, we want the express!) I had to push between the big guy and the others, at which point he LAUGHED AT ME.”

Read the 100+ responses at Gothamist.

Of course, I have a few ideas on how to solve this:

  1. Do what I do.  As you pull up to the station, get down on the floor like a track star waiting for the pistol to fire.  Or get into the ready position like a football defensive lineman.  Just as the train starts to slow, count down, “Ok here we go.  5…4…3…2…1…GO!”  I promise, there will be no one that stands in your way.
  2. As the train slows, start to get yourself psyched up like a boxer about to go in the ring.  Talk loudly to yourself, “Ok man, let’s do this.  HERE WE GO.  Get fired up!!”  Then start to bounce around.  A little shaddow boxing probably wouldn’t hurt.
    Try this stuff.  If people are still in your way, they are even more nuts than you!