Being out and about this weekend, I noticed that nightime smell of winter. That cold, crisp smell before a snow storm. Winter is on the way.

As I look around the train, the ladies are ready with the winter fashions. I know, you’ve been waiting for weeks to trot out all of your new sweaters.

It seems like many of you had a field day at the scarf table as well. While I thing a scarf, hat, or mittens might be jumping the gun a little, I understand your excitement. You just can’t stand looking at them in your closet anymore, so you jump at the first chance you get to wear them.

Personally, I would die if I wore that many layers at this point. A light jacket is a bit much for me right now. It’s cool outside, but it is still toasty in the subway.
Soon we will be joined fulltime by our “residential” members of the subway system. Many of the regulars I usually see are already back on their platform benches staking their claims. Again I say if you are going to be homeless, why not head for Miami? Go somewhere warm all year round. NYC is blistering hot in the summer and absolutely freezing in the winter.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

I boarded the train just minutes ago, and at the very first stop, a strange guy got on board.

He has an L.L. Bean style tote bag with him. Inside, he has hero rolls in plastic wrap. I know, I know…”See something, say something.” Trust me, I thought about it.

Anyway, he started off with the traditional “Good morning ladies and gentleman.”

“Here we go,” I thought to myself.

So he reaches into his bag and pulls out some of the rolls. He says he is here to ask for donations to feed the homeless. The bread he carries is free to anyone who needs it.

So I’m thinking to myself, is he trying to sell these rolls to us? I guess not. They’re just a prop. It worked though. He even had “Tax ID” papers clearly made in Word.

Anway he was selling crazy….and people were buying.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Another month rolls into the show full of crazy that is the NYC subway system.

I’m currently enjoying a lecture from a man named Harry. His thesis is on why he has AIDS and is homeless all at the same time.

Harry sounds like a Jewish guy that just woke up. Really tired, slow, and under enthusiastic sounding with a thick Jewish accent. Harry didn’t seem to get much action on this train, so he’s off to the next one.

He did have an interesting pitch though. He started off with the traditional “good morning ladies and gentlemen.”. He then moved right into the AIDS bit.

“FORTUNATELY, I have AIDS,” started Harry, “I say forunately because God used this disease to get my life turned around.”

What I gather is that begging on the subway is actually a step UP from where he has been. How crappy must you life be when AIDS and begging on the subway is a good day?

Better luck next time amigo. Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

So I have to admit that I get a little kick out of the routines that the homeless guys pull on the trains when begging for change. I don’t get off on the fact that they are homeless, so relax! But, their little speeches and whatnot can be quite entertaining.

The fact is that 99% of the claims in their little rants are not at all true. They go on and on about how many kids they have, and how they can’t get in a shelter. Not true (most of the time).

The theatrical nature of their rants is quite good. If it weren’t for the stench, they would make excellent dramatic actors.

My favorite is when they go on and on about how it could happen to us. As if they were corporate CEO’s that developed a little love of the bottle, only to find themselves out on the streets overnight. Don’t think so pal. It probably can’t happen to most of us because we have a little thing called a job.

Hey, if a Mexican immigrant can swim across the Rio Grande with ten dollars in his pocket and still manage to pay the rent, why can’t YOU?

Ok, so this sounds completely insensitive. I get it, but the fact is that a large proportion of these guys are just idiots. They are mentally stable and capable of working. They just chose to screw around too much, and now they are on the street.

Personally, if I actually did end up homeless, I would immediately join the Navy. It is a job, a paycheck, a clean bet, and hot food. Plus, since it is the Navy, there isn’t much chance of combat (as compared to the Army). So, I could live, eat, sleep, and work on my aircraft carrier without having to worry about getting shot at. Few years later, back on my feet.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Today is Primary Day in New York, so take a few seconds out of your day to vote. It isn’t that painful. Ok, now that our civil obligation has been met, on to the good stuff.

I am shooting 1 for 3 today. First, jumped right into the car with no air conditioning. I swear it is the same car every time. I’ll have to pay attention to the number when I get off.

Even though I got in the no-AC car, I managed to run out, down the platform, and on to the next car before we left the station. I was impressed with my athletic ability.

Unfortunately, I ran right into a car with smelly homeless guy asleep in it. Shoot me. That is a smell that lingers with you all day. You can feel it getting into your clothes and hair. GROSS.

I don’t know why he was still on the train. He was in blatent violation of the rules. Everyone knows that the homeless dudes sleep on the subway overnight. However, the all usually get off before the morning rush. This guy didn’t get the memo.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

I have an early meeting this morning, so I am “in the system” (as if it were the matrix or something) earlier than normal. But there is something nice about the calm in the early morning.

There are less people on board, so I am actually able to sit while I write. It also appears that we are moving much quicker. Why is that?

What is a little strange is that 80% of the people in thi car are asleep. Should I be alarmed?

Oh wait, I forgot to mention the toothless dude that go on behind me that keeps screaming “faggot” over and over again. Now does it seem a bit odd that everyone is still sleeping?

I prefer to not assault the annoyingly homeless before 9am…especially if I have a suit on. Of course, I always try to use words first. I will attempt to explain to him why the empty seat across from him is not a “fagot,” but it could get messy.

Till this afternoon!

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…