Category: Live Blogging On the Subway

I see old people

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I just heard the subway pulling into the station as I was walking downstairs. So, I ran through the turnstile to get down here. Unfortunately, I had to jump into a car that I usually don’t get in.

I’m what you call an “end-rider.” I prefer to ride near the very front or rear of the train. I don’t know why. It is just the way it is. Today, I had to jump in the middle car. And I am not happy about it.

It is like another world in here. I have no idea how a different section of the train could be so different.

First of all, I must be the youngest on in here by 30 years. I guess the middle cars must be closest to the stairs or elevators. I honestly feel like I am on the senior center activity bus. A third of them are asleep…or at least I hope they are asleep.

They all have thos tractor trailer size grocery carts filled with lord knows what. How the hell do they get those down here? Oh and bags on their heads. Guess that’s how you can tell if it is going to rain. Just look for old ladies with platic bags on their heads.

Here’s my stop. Gotta get out of the death car. Till later!

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

No Air Conditioning? Is this a joke?

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What’s with all the subway cars with broken air conditioning?

The MTA has insane surpluses every year, yet there are still trains crusing around with random cars that have no AC.

In a hurry, I unknowingly jump onto those busted cars and immediately say to myself, “Well, maybe if I let the doors close on my head I will stop thinking abou how f***ing hot it is in here!”

Then I am just left here praying that we get to the next stop quickly so I can run down to the next car. Of course, I am not the only one thinking that. So there’s a herd of us running down the platform. Ohh and that’s after we fight off the idiots that are trying to get IN the hot car after we tell them not to.

Here’s my request of the MTA: Just lock those cars. Ok so they are broken. Fine. Just don’t let people in them.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Rain rain…yep…more rain

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A lovely weekend of rain only to start the week with, you guessed it, more rain! Although, I belive a rainy weekend doesn’t always get the crediti that it is due. Afterall, it is the ultimate excuse to do NOTHING all weekend.

So, walk outside this morning only to be hit in the face with even more rain.

I think the rain drives more people underground. There are a lot more non-regulars on the train this morning. This theory is supported by the huge lines at the Metro Card machines this morning. Clearly there was an influx of people that don’t have cards already.

There should be a waiting line for the non-regulars. A completely different area of the platform. Sure, c’mon down…welcome aboard. But let the rest of us who are here every day on first. We’ve certainly earned it.

The non-regulars also throw my routine off. I have (just like all regulars- a certain area that I always stand on the platform. I also have a certain train car that I usually get in. The non-regular show up, and they clearly don’t know the routine. They don’t even realize that there is a routine.

Listen, this is where I stand. This is where I wait. And this is the train door that I get in. As a non-regular, step aside, and let me show you how it is done.
Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Mmmm Times Square on a Saturday Night

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Talk about the party thay never ends. Or should I say, the freak show that never ends. I was dragged to Chevy’s in Times Square for dinner. Normally, I don’t enjoy a chain restaurant in the city. There are just so many other good places. But, I figured what the hell, I hadn’t been to TS in a while.

Well, the subway in TS is usually crazy enough on a weekday. On the weekends, especially weekend nights, it is a complete hell hole.  Wall-to-wall tourists and homeless people out to panhandle. The tourists have no ideah where they are going. They just wander.

Folks from out of town, I understand that NYC can be a bit much for you to handle…especially if you have never been here. However, this is the most important tip I could ever give you. Ready?

WALK. Don’t stop. Just keep f*cking WALKING.

Walking behind Bertha’s fat ass while trying to catch a train makes we want to scream. One foot in front of the other lady.

That’s it. Move.

Also, New Yorkers will stop to help you with directions. Just get out of the damn way first!  We have trains to catch too.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio… 

Leaving work late on a Friday: NOT Priceless

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Few things suck more than getting stuck at work late. One of those I getting stuck at work late on a FRIDAY. Really, you look forward to that feeling of freedom as you hit the doors at 5:05PM. The only upside is that the subway is pretty empty right now. I even got a seat.

It is a litte after 7pm right now and I think I am sitting across from some out of town girls. They seem really dressed up for this early on a Friday. That’s usually a giveaway. People from out of town don’t realize that the bars/clubs don’t heat up untill 11 or midnight. Even the good restaurants don’t start really jumping until after 8.

On that note I just confirmed it. I just asked if they are from out of town. YUP. Just the fact that they acknowledged my voice shows that they aren’t from the city!

Meeting friends at a bar they say. Do NYC bars even open at 7:30? Don’t think so, but I didn’t want to break their hearts. These chicks are in for a night they won’t forget (they’re headed for The Village).

Have a good weekend. SUBWAYblogger out!

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

 

Failed prediction and not enough clothing

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Well my prediction yesterday that today would be especially crowded was wrong. It is strangely quiet on the subway today too. However, I thing that because it is Friday. On to my next subject…

Ladies, let me talk to you for a minute. Especially the lady sitting across from me on the train right now. Ladies, it is time to let go. Those little tops with the built in bras were meant for you 8 sizes ago.

I know “you’ve always worn them,” but that was back when you were in middle school. Take a look in the mirror. If your waist looks like a freshly popped tube of Pillsbury biscuit dough, maybe it is time to NOT wear that top.

Also, if each of your breasts are larger that a toddler, you need to wear a bra at all times outside of your home. This is for the safety of those around you.

No matter what your girlfriends say, it isn’t sexy to show off your muffin top. It says, “I am a tramp who is too cheap to replace thee jeans I bought in 1996.”Help all of your fellow passengers keep their breakfasts down, and put on some bigger clothes!Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Holy splish splash Batman!

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Nothing like a biblical down pour at 4:58pm, just as you are getting ready to walk out of work.

Also, it is much harder to type in your Blackberry with only one hand. (The other is holding my umbrella)

Speaking of umbrellas, holy crap people, it is an umbrella…not a nurf bat. So it effing hurts when you get poked in the eye because the idiot next to you who can’t wrangle in their PGA Tour sized expo tent on a stick.

Hey jerkface, you know how I just stepped over to the side a little to avoid slamming my umbrella into your melon? Yeah, you should try that too! It works a little better that way.

The most retarded thing about it is that when THEY hit YOU, they stop and look at you like you walked up and pissed on their leg. Uhh you hit ME buddy, so what’s all the confusion about? You must be shocked at your own stupidity.

Off to get out of these wet clothes.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

Where did everyone go?

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Hahaha…this is an ironic follow up to my “Where did you come from” post a few days ago. Today, there’s next to no one on the train. It is the same time that I get on board as always. The same time that a few days ago yielded an insane number of people on board. Not today though.When there are this few people around, it I no wonder crazy sh*t happens down here.

How many of you have ever wondered how the graffiti ends up IN the tunnels? Well when no one is around…It kinda freaked me out. When I say no one, I mean like 5 people total. This is at a station where there are normally hundreds. For a second I asked myself, “Is today a holiday? Do I have the day off?”. That’s how few people are on board. So what am I missing? Is it “National Screw It, I Don’t Wanna Go to Work Day?”

My prediction: a bajillion people on the platform tomorrow morning for no other reason other than to mess with my head.

Moving along, I wonder how those kids did yesterday with their “subway challenge.” I will look into it and post a complete update later this morning. It is pretty funny how seriously they took it. They had a little support team set up and everything. On their Myspace site, someone they know posted that at last check in, the guys needed water. So I assume it was someone’s job to scurry out their and deliver the goods.

Live from the subway, back to you in studio…

 

 

 

If I had children like these…

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…I would push them onto the tracks. Actually, I take that back. I would throw myself on the tracks because it would be my fault that I had these little brats.

Do you ever find youself out somewhere just wanting to throttle a child into the pavement?  Like on a bus, in a restaurant, a waiting room, or in this case the subway?  If you do, just remember that it is the parents who you actually want to slap silly, not the kids.

If this child throws himself into my legs one more time, I will hold his mom’s head outside while the doors close. Here’s the game:

On this crowed train, wait for the brakes to hit, then jump up in the air to see how far down the isle you get thrown. Ohhh and you get bonus points if you hit a person in the knees on the way down (aka me).

YEAH…THAT’S THE GAME. Meanwhile, terrible mom of the year award winner says, “Hunnie, c’mon. Stop that please.”. Saying it at least 10 times.

So here’s my idea. Grown-ups, let’s all stick our legs out in the isle. Ladie with pointy shoes get more points.  Then maybe mom will stop her kid before he loses all his teeth.

WOW. This turned out to be a really angry post. Sorry bout that. But really, how much should a person have to handle?

Live from the subway, back to you in studio… 

Y’all ain’t from around here, huh

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Ahh yes, it is that time of year again. I am refering to “back to school” time. In this case, I don’t mean lunch boxes and yellow buses. Instead I mean booze and frat parties. It is officially the time that the city’s college students return to campus. Right now, it is just the early arrivals, but already I notice an increase in the number of dorky parents around.

They are sooo easy to spot. First of all, mom and dad stick out like sore thumbs. Then factor in that they walk aound with the city map in front of them at all times, so you can’t miss them. The final confirmation is that they usually have the younger sibiling in tow. Those little suckers can be identified by the utter misery on their faces because they still haven’t been able to ride the ferris wheel in Toys-R-Us as promised. Plus, if they just entered that awkward tween period, they are probably horrified to be seen with the dork parents.

Soon, the subway system in the campus areas will be flooded with out of town families that have no idea where they are going. I am usually nice to them and help them figure out where they are going.

Then again, there’s always the temptation to have a little fun. 🙂 Live from the subway, back to you in studio…